Category: Uncategorized

Surviving divorce. Weathering transition. Falling back in love with yourself.

I woke this morning and felt like I could breathe deeper than I have felt like I could in months. I stretched from my fingertips to the tips of my toes. I felt pressure just give in to me, or maybe me to it. I stepped out of bed and my carpet felt softer somehow. I sat down on the floor and just got overwhelmed by pupper kisses and cuddles. They even seemed more at peace, probably because I am.

Transition is so hard and yet so fulfilling. I’ve always thought if it makes me feel uneasy I must be on the right path. It’s strange how uneasy feels positive and right. Whereas staying somewhere or with someone can feel comfortably uncomfortable and negative. We fight for something or someone for so long until it just breaks, we let go, or it just loses all meaning. Divorce…is painful, but not as painful as staying where you know it no longer serves either of you. Growth is pertinent to living a happy life. Growth is painful also, but it holds excitment and new adventures. I feel myself growing. I feel myself rediscovering. Stretching and reshaping this little lost girl into a woman again.

I remember falling in love and how every color seemed more vibrant. The air was sweet. Everything had more flavor. A hug made me feel safe. A kiss made me melt into an amazing fusion of electricity and calm. I am forever grateful for all of it. It reminds me of why being human is so beautiful, delicate, and empowering. Raw…savage…compassionate…every emotion just stirring inside, making me feel so alive and connected to everything. As the months have passed and I’ve started stitching back together, an old life with a new, I’ve realized that falling in love isn’t always with someone else. It’s with yourself. It’s penetrating a scar, it’s healing, it’s forgiving, it’s remembering to be gentle, it’s having an epiphany that love is everywhere. Love has always existed. We are amazing energy beings who are always falling in love. I fall in love every day, with a tree, with a sunrise, with words, with observation and awe of such energy, and with knowing another breath means another opportunity. I feel like the process of divorce is like clearing clutter that once meant so much and took you to so many places, created so many memories, finding clothes that used to fit you just right and something that once even resembled a canvas for a beautiful painting. But those places have all been discovered and you realize there is a whole new set of places to find. The memories are safely stored deep within you, the clothes you loved you just simply outgrew or changed, and the painting has been completed. Should you stop painting? Or should you hang it and start a new one. Love it, admire it, respect it, embrace it but accept it’s completed. I’m grateful for every memory…every moment. The whole process, falling in love, letting it go, finding love and finally surrendering to the end is just a new beginning… it’s all apart of me now. Every person…every moment. It’s just simply time to move on. Clearing it all away, cleaning the clutter but still being thankful for the time you had with it. Manifesting an open path, to plant new seeds, paint new memories, and add to your story. Our journies, our stories, those are all the only things that we truly own.

The second beginning

When my heart was breaking it wasn’t broken. It was stretching…growing. Certain things or people make it stretch to challenge you to love even harder, when you start to lose hope. It wasn’t them that made you believe again, made you love deeper. It was all the other things and other people that reminded you what being human meant. For every bitter and spiteful thing…there is sweet, and strangers with hands extended. You can think that money, possessions, power or a hopeful feeling everything will be alright, can hold you through the night or this life. But until you have none of those things, will you truly know what being alright means? Everything is already alright and you know that because of your struggles. For all the years you spent in a world lacking examples of humanity and compassion with one situation or person…there’s a whole other world waiting. Those of us who were born with less but still are more fortunate than others, understand the value in compassion, community, and less is more. I have been met by some of the most amazing people lately. Small actions that amplify in the dark. Beautiful people that have struggled most of their life, just to make something of their life. Nothing handed to them and have little possessions. But they’re the richest people in the world, they are rich in love. They love more fiercely. They work until their fingers bleed. They offer you the little they have to give. They care about you for real reasons, nothing shallow, nothing taken for granted, no ownership or power…they love you because you are them and they are you. Raw, real, simple, grateful, and selfless. I met a woman yesterday, that I started talking with. We dove so deep into our lives and struggles. We were vulnerable. I felt so connected to her, like someone I had known just through hope. She was beautiful and present. She gave me the cliffsnotes of her story. I kept thinking about who she is and how she could be so gracious, strong, and gentle after everything she had been through. But her answer was the same as mine. It wasn’t all the bad. It wasn’t the loss. That’s just where most of us focus because it hurts so bad. It is in all the good. It was in Small brushes with compassion. Conversations with a stranger. Bare feet in the rain. The smell of newly blooming wildflowers being warmed by the sun. It was in the real things that makes us human. She was gentle because she wasn’t greedy. She prioritized her life in a way that is based around nature’s materials, not human made. She gave instead of taking. Especially because she realized she wasn’t in need. She had some to spare, because she needed so little. Sometimes I don’t think we learn that until we’re old and finally start reminding ourselves we aren’t taking any of this with us. So what kind of human do we want to be?